What I choose is my choice and there's no bouncing back
by emerson123
Summary: My take on Kate's POV in "Eggtown".


Kate stirred, the early morning sun pouring its way through the blinds, the brightness almost painful to the eye. She felt the blankets that were kicked to the foot of the bed, partially covering her slightly damp legs touched with sweat. She adjusted her position while slowly recalling the previous day's events. In particular, she dwelled on Miles' disclosure, the very words that guided her to Sawyer's bedroom last night.

_'If I were you, I'd stay right here on the island. Who knows, maybe you didn't survive the crash.'_

She lifted her heavy head from its planted position in the hollow of Sawyer's right shoulder. Stuck between sleep and wakefulness she begins to place light kisses along his jaw, cheek and smooth muscled chest. She manages to wake him from his deep sleep and they share an open mouthed kiss that tastes slightly stale, but pleasant nonetheless. She smiles at the feel of his warm hand resting easily on her hip, a hip that is covered with a pair of stolen blue underwear. That's why she's here, isn't it? _Pleasant_ and _easy_.

As if a fire was suddenly lit beneath the bed, he shoots up and flips her over onto her back below him.

His hands are now gripping her wrists at each side of her head. She knows he's excited and wants to re-ignite that moment of abandoned passion - the time their shared terror, their mutual physical and mental exhaustion allowed them to give into their suppressed mutual attraction.

But that's not what she wants, things are different now. _Jack loved her_. She still didn't fully believe that he could possibly mean it, especially after all she had put him through. How she _broke his heart_. Wasn't it best that she stay here and be _free_? Especially, when everything always seemed to get so hard and complicated between the two of them. How could they ever possibly share a life together off the Island? Wasn't Juliet, the doctor, the logical choice for Jack? And Sawyer, the grifter, the logical choice for her? She then tasted a tinge of bitterness on the tip of her tongue.

The pressure on her wrists suddenly felt confining and she reacts, "Wait, wait, wait a minute. Just slow down." Kate turns her head, her eyes closed not looking at him now.

Smiling and still undaunted by her hint of resistance, he exhales, his breath lifting his long bangs away from his face for a second. "Oh, come on! It's not like we ain't never done it before." While grinning, he places a few more kisses on her lower cheek as he drawls, "Now, I'm cool we didn't go all the way last night. I get it. You were sad. But I mean, how can you resist after that whole 'I'll keep you safe' thing?

His typical and ever ready witticism makes her laugh lightly, but it doesn't change the fact that what they're doing at the moment doesn't feel right to her. But Sawyer was correct, she was _sad ... and he was wrong_ because could _resist_ him.

_'Because I love you'_. His words played in her ahead again. She was finally going to allow herself to open up and accept them as a truth.

Slightly exasperated by his playful aggressiveness, she tells him firmly, "No, Sawyer." His tiny sulk doesn't escape her notice.

Kate then pushes him off and rolls to her side, giving him the cold sight of her back. She needs some space to breathe and to … _think_.

Leaning on his elbow, breathing heavily and showing some hints of his growing frustration he asks, "What? What, what'd I say?"

"Forget it." Kate huffs, with her back still turned to him, she smoothes the errant lock of hair away from her face while still keeping her eyes closed. She contemplates telling him, but is beaten to it by his next comment.

Sighing, he shakes his head, "Alright. You still think you might be pregnant."

Sawyer's words make her turn to face him, "I'm not worried." Kate then rolls over and adjusts her position so she can rest on her elbows. She's surprised that he brought up the proverbial elephant in the room. But she also feels relieved, maybe there is a glimmer of hope for them. That he has reached a new level of maturity and trustworthiness that she can rely on. She notices how his facial expression relaxes slightly, but can tell he is still unsure what she means. So she finally lets him know, "And I'm not pregnant."

He pauses, "Are you sure?"

She studies his face carefully, the way his eyes slowly light up. She then realizes what she's doing. She's testing him, to gauge his reaction and as unfair as that seems, it doesn't change the fact that that is what she is doing. She also knows what his reaction will be, but she needs it confirmed so she can finally do what her heart and mind are telling her to do.

He smiles and laughs. Now overjoyed by her revelation, he yelps with relief, "I mean, whoo!"

She turns her head away from him and looks straight ahead, blinking quickly. With an evident frown now across her face and with a touch of disgust she asks, "Would it have been the _worst_ thing in the world?" Kate already knows his answer because deep down it's the same as hers. And he's right, it would almost be the worst thing in the world.

She _was_ relieved to discover that she wasn't pregnant, but it doesn't lessen the hurtful sting that he so clearly would not have wanted to be a father of her child.

As if being asked the most obvious question in the world, he enthusiastically replies, "Yes, yes it would have been the worst thing in the world. What would _we_ have done with a baby?"

She promptly sits up and gathers her pants so she can put them on. The painful, harsh and sad truth of the nature of their relationship now finally exposed. They were two people who genuinely cared for each other. They had a deep understanding of one another and, consequently, accepted the other's flaws. But the premise of their connection has now splintered. How could they truly accept each other, when they didn't even accept themselves? Maybe there was a sort of love between them, but whatever it was, it wasn't enough.

It was a selfish mistake to spend the night with Sawyer and think that she could possibly stay and hide here with him on the Island. It was time. It was finally time to stop running. To stop running from her past and running away from the future her heart truly desired.

With conviction and finality, she informs him, "I'm going back to the beach." And the charged atmosphere in the room makes it clear that they both know what that means … she's going to Jack.

It was easy for her to turn to Sawyer, because he always gladly took the little she was willing to give him. And she feels guilty for that. Even though she cares for Sawyer deeply, she used him because she didn't have the courage to face the man that was unwilling to accept less than he knew she was capable of giving to him.

"Beach? What, you're leaving? Because of this? That's that? You crawl up in my bed one second, and the next you just—

"Goodbye, James." She shakes her head, that initial feeling of hurt now turning into something else … impatience.

Still seated on the edge of the bed, she can hear him continue to speak from behind her as she ties on her boots.

"Don't make this about me, Kate. You didn't want a baby any more than I did. You're just looking for some excuse to split, and now you got one."

She paused a second to listen to his defense while a sardonic grin creeps across her face. She's not surprised though, she expected him to respond this way. She knew that 'playing house' for him meant one thing. This was Sawyer, after all.

"But it's alright, Freckles, I ain't gonna hold it against you. I'm just gonna sit right here in my comfy bed. Because in about a week, you'll find some reason to get pissed at Jack and bounce right back to me."

Hearing him say Jack's name, triggers an angry and violent reaction from her. Kate whips a harsh, loud back-handed smack to his face. She slapped him because there was partial truth to his words. She slapped him for being so smug and sure that she would eventually crawl back to him. But mostly, she struck him because he used Jack's name to drag him into this ugliness of theirs that had nothing to do with him.

She jumped up and walked over to the door. Slowly, she gripped the doorknob, and turned to give him a sad final look while he still sat in bed, his eyebrows knitted in anger and denial. This was good-bye. She hopes he sees that, this time, she was never returning to him or his bed.

She was going to walk out and return to the beach, the place she should never have left. Whether Jack's professed feelings for her remained were almost irrelevant now. Because once she set a foot out his bedroom door, she knew she would stop running … she knew she would not bounce back.

**So here's my first attempt at a one shot AND a canon storyline. I hope to one day write a bookend piece to this, showing Jack and Kate in the garage scene in "Eggtown". I always felt that particular scene depicted a mirror opposite of Kate. Her eager willingness to be with Jack juxtaposed with her reticence to stay with Sawyer in New Otherton.**

**I'm working on the next chapter of TTR, but I have a ways to go with it. Hopefully, I'll have it ready this week. I hope you like this! **


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